Conflicts with a coworker are common in offices and sometimes we get carried away with this. These conflicts can affect our creativity, and slow down our decision-making. Many times we spend time worrying and working in ways that we may regret later. We may avoid such difficult workmates and even withdraw completely from a particular project. It may even lead to disruptive behaviour or abusive personal conduct.
So how can we overcome this and think in terms of the long term of behaving honourable and maintaining congeniality?
Your perspective is one of the many.
Every one of us has different perspectives and values. We might disagree on everything right from a simple Yes to consequences for someone who has made a mistake. It is not realistic to expect everyone to have the same viewpoint on the same issue.
When there are differences, it is natural for us to feel we are being objective and impartial whereas others are biased. This tendency is called naive realism. Once we are sure or confident about something, we find it hard to accept that others do not see it the same way.
It is necessary to resist this gut feeling. Challenge your perceptions by questioning yourself on your values, experiences, and assumptions. The answer is not important but the questions are. It helps you remember that your views are just one of the views and not the final one. Shift your focus to what should be done rather than debating who is correct.
Be aware of your biases.
Our biases creep in, in most of our workplace interactions. One common fallacy is to assume that the other person’s behaviour is due to his biases rather than to the situation. A related bias is a tendency to interpret events as proving the truth of existing beliefs.
Get over these biases by asking yourself what role your personal bias plays in this situation. It is possible that we do not see the situation clearly as we tend to make assumptions or unknowingly focus on our differences.
Ask someone you trust, to help you understand ways in which you may be viewing the situation with your biases.
Do not make it a personal war.
It is easy to fall into the trap of me vs them issue. To get out of this situation, think of multiple entities – me, you and the understanding between the two of you. Rather than working to change your coworker, focus on the decision you must take to complete the work.
No one wants enemies at work. Think of problems with a co-worker as a problem to be solved for mutual benefit.
Know your destination.
To stay focused on your work, be clear on what needs to be done. Understand the importance of getting the work done. Your intentions would determine your actions.
Set your sight slow. It is sufficient to have a functional relationship and complete the work as planned.
Once you have decided on your priorities, write them down. Writing it down helps anchor the priority and remember it every time you discuss the work to be completed.
Avoid workplace gossip.
It is natural to turn to your colleague when something is not working out as desired. You may want to confirm your feelings about the situation or that you are not misinterpreting the situation. You may be just letting out steam and clearing your mind of the interaction you have had. This may be good for bonding with co-workers and also reinforcing your views on the situation.
But this venting or gossiping can also be dangerous. First, they may only heighten your bias. Gossiping reflects poorly on the person doing it. You may be viewed as unprofessional and may end up getting isolated.
Experiment to find what works.
There is more than one way to find out the correct way to do things. It depends on the circumstances, importance, your position and the cultural ethos of the organisation. Work out two or three ways of testing and funding. Decide what you will do differently, and select a time and duration. Do not assume everything will work out fine. Consider this as an experiment that you can learn from.
Keep trying, fine-tuning, experimenting or even abandoning things that do not work. Essentially you have to identify another way to interrupt the conflict pattern of the past by doing something the other person does not expect.
Be curious.
Remember – certainty is the enemy of change – to quote Salvator Minuchin. Do not resign yourself to the result or be pessimistic about the result. Adopt a mindset of curiosity and always have a positive attitude so that the relationship can be made better.
Curiosity has many benefits. It prevents stereotyping and helps try out something new with creativity. The key is to stop concluding and be curious to find out the underlying reason.
Catch yourself when you get into unproductive thoughts. Step back and analyse why this situation is happening. Think of instances when in similar circumstances you were able to make up and get the issue resolved. Finally, think of what you will achieve if you succeed in resolving these conflicts.
No matter what type of difficult conflict you have with your co-worker. the above methods would help you find a satisfactory resolution and build stronger relations in the workplace. Sometimes, you may have to cut your losses and focus on protecting your well-being. However, by making an honest effort, some of the trickiest conflicts can be resolved.
How to Navigate Conflict with a Coworkerby Amy Gallo
HBR 2022/09-10
R2G 